Are You Kidding Me?

I've been getting little signs from my mom the past few days, so I decided to post this from a chapter I've been working on from a book about my mom. This is just a draft, I will most likely add more to this, or just rewrite the damn thing. I've been reminiscing about the memories I have with my mom as an adult, and writing this has made me burst into fits of laughter, as well as into fits of crying. I'm sure anyone who has dealt with the loss of their mom can relate to this in their own way. Writing has become a form of therapy for me, and hopefully I can help people dealing with the loss of their mom through my experiences. Here is my draft: One of the last times my mom and I spent in the ER, it was during the afternoon, around 3pm or so. It was late August, and after receiving another blood transfusion, my mother was not feeling too well. Two men were sitting nearby, and they kept glancing over at us. One of them struck up a conversation with my mom. He ha...

"Tracey, will you marry me?" asked CJ, a precocious 8-year-old, who knelt on one knee, holding the bracelet he took off my wrist up to me. When I kindly declined and said "You're too young for me!" he quickly responded "Tracey, I don't want a kitten, I want a cougar!" Hey, at least in 20 years when I'm 56 and if I'm still single, I'll have options. That was just a glimpse of what ended up being a fun, but exhausting weekend spent with kids ages 8-13. CJ was having his First Communion, and I decided to spend the weekend with his family. His mother, Lori, has become like a big sister to me over the years, and she made me the godmother to her daughter, Phoebe, to keep me as "part of the family." Her mom and my mom were best friends, more like sisters as well. I don't get to see Lori and her family that often, but when I do, I'm surprised as to how much her kids have grown and matured. Phoebe, who is 12, and her...

I started writing about my mom and her struggle with Ovarian Cancer over a year ago. I took a memoir writing course to help organize my thoughts, but I eventually dreaded the days I would set aside to write about her, and I stopped for my sanity. Back in January, I sat down to write comedy, and instead everything I wanted to write about my mom came pouring out. I've written about 100 pages of a book so far. Although, it's still a struggle to write about this painful time I had with my mom, especially about her death. Like grief, memories of her come in waves, and I've been writing chapters of my book based on a memory or a feeling from that time. I've mentioned in previous posts of my mother's death, not going into detail, but just as a part of my story. Because this Sunday is Mother's Day, and today happens to be World Ovarian Cancer Day, I decided to publish on my blog a chapter from the book I have been working on about my mom. This book has no title yet...

Next year will be my "20th High School Reunion." I was reminded just how old I've gotten when I received my "Save the Date" in my email. I'm not going. However, this month marks 13 years since I graduated college, and I've been reflecting on my 20s and so far what I have done in my 30s. These thoughts keep me up at night, and frankly, there is no use in reliving the past. It's enough to drive a sane person crazy! When I was 25, I thought "Oh man, I'm almost 30. I need to get serious about my career." When I turned 30, I thought "Oh no, I still don't have a solid career, and I better find a boyfriend soon, or I will never be married." I would like to slap my past 25-year-old and 30-year-old self in the face. Because, and I mean this with an almost-certainty that comes with age and maturity--No one cares! That's it. Plain and simple. I spent a lot of my 20s and early 30s thinking about what other people ...

I met a good friend of mine for coffee today. This was not a casual meeting. This was a goodbye-coffee-date, as she is leaving to follow her dreams in LA. So, this was bittersweet to say the least. I have known her for almost a year, and we developed a beautiful friendship, which I find in my 36 years here on Earth, is hard to find. I'm not talking about a party friend, or even an acquaintance that you find amusing for awhile, who drop out of your life as fast as they dropped in. I'm talking about a bond that lasts for a lifetime, a friend who you can call at 2am when your drunk and need to vent about life, a friend who will answer your call without judgment, and will listen, no matter what. I thought I had friends like that many times, and then some life altering situation happens, and I realized their loyalty has a cost. It happened after my mother became sick when I was in college, and it has happened most recently. It's sad, it sucks, but then I have to k...